Q: I came to Paris from the Midwest about five years ago to get away from my family’s disapproval of my “relaxed” lifestyle. I just wanted to have fun on my own terms, and had no interest in settling down (I’m 34 now). I work the club scene, and about six months ago I started to get friendly with a French woman I met at one of my jobs. Little by little, I found myself getting more and more involved emotionally, and it’s been the same for her. The hitch? I learned two years ago that I am HIV positive and I haven’t told her that. On the one hand, I know I should come clean, but this is the first time I’ve ever been tempted to pursue a serious relationship and I sure don’t want to blow it. Is there anything I can do to save the situation?
A: When a person, hiding what he or she considers a shameful secret, gets into a serious relationship, the dilemma of disclosure eventually arises and is always both frightening and painful. Losing the relationship is a distinct possibility, either because you are truthful and the partner can’t accept what you disclose, or because you aren’t truthful, and the pernicious fallout from ongoing deception eventually ruins things between you.
In your particular case, if you’ve been having unsafe sex with your girlfriend, ethical considerations, your own positive feelings toward her, and common human decency make it imperative that you tell her the truth right away, so that she can take the necessary medical precautions to protect her health and maybe even her life. If unsafe sex is not an issue, and you’re thinking of building something authentic and lasting with her, my recommendation is that you come clean with her sooner rather than later. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be for her to deal with what may well seem like a real breach of trust between you, and the more reluctant she may be to give you her confidence in the future.
On your side, the burden of guilt you already feel will increase as you pass up opportunities to tell her the truth, and you may find yourself withdrawing from her and even avoiding contact altogether if the burden gets too heavy.
As to how to do this, pick a time when you’re feeling resilient and things are going well between you. I would suggest doing it in a private setting rather than a public place like a restaurant to avoid embarrassment if strong feelings emerge. If being alone with her feels too scary, you might consider having a friend or counselor present. You could explain how the importance of this relationship accounts for both why you haven’t said anything up till now (fear of rejection), and why you are saying something today (desire to have clear air between you).
Be prepared for her questions about how it happened, what stage you’re at, what the prognosis is, your treatment, the danger etc,,,. and also for whatever reactions of shock she might have if she has been totally unsuspicious till now. It will be hard, but you need to absorb whatever she comes up with, rather than combat it with justifications, minimizing, or telling her she’s overreacting. Be receptive to her need to go through her own process about this — much as you must have done when you first got the news.
If you are uncertain about how to do this, find a counselor who will help you role play several possible scenarios so that you can develop appropriate responses in advance. Once the dust of the revelation has settled, then only is the time to discuss the ramifications of this for your joint future. There are thousands of couples in your situation living pretty normal, happy lives, and many resources offering information and support to them, both here and in the US.
If, as you imply, your relationship has developed slowly and from a solid base of friendship, my sense is that your fears of disclosure have more to do with you than with your girlfriend
Jill Bourdais is a psychotherapist practicing in Paris both privately and in a hospital setting. A specialist in couple/family problems, she also teaches PAIRS, a skills-building course in intimate relationships. Tel: 01 43 54 79 25. Questions for the Personal column may be mailed to the Voice, 7 rue Papillon, 9e, or emailed to her directly at JABourdais@compuserve.com
