Q: I have been married to a Frenchman for ten years. For professional reasons, we have spent most of our married life abroad in various countries. Recently my husband was transferred once again, but because things between us haven’t been going well for a while, he went on alone to the new place, saying that he wants to terminate the marriage and that I should stay in France. We have two sons 9 and 5, and I don’t know how to handle this situation with them. My oldest son refuses to talk about his father. Should I continue to let them think that their father is gone because of his work — which is what he wants — or should I tell them the truth?
A: Adults always underestimate how much children sense about what is going on between their parents. As there is a lot they can’t yet understand, their unconscious radar tends to work overtime. So it’s more than likely that your older son is very aware of what may be around the corner. His refusal to talk about his father is an attempt to avoid dealing with what appears to be the breakup of his family.
It’s probably not a good idea to let the current ambiguity go on any longer if your husband has made a decision to divorce. As he is the one who wants out, one can understand his reluctance to make things clear to the children and risk being seen as the bad guy. But by going along with his desire you are not being truthful with your children, and therefore possibly setting yourself up as someone whom they cannot trust.
Insist that your husband return home for a few days, and together tell your children that you two have been unhappy together for some time and have decided to separate. Even if you know that he is the one initiating the separation against your desire, it is doing a disservice to children to point to one parent as being in the wrong. Children need to feel free to love and be loyal to both parents equally.
Avoid getting hooked into too many concrete explanations as to why, though the “why” question will probably be asked repeatedly. Young children have no concept about conjugal happiness. What seems so obvious to adults — i.e. that when two people are unhappy together they may choose to leave one another — makes no sense to kids. So, although you may repeat this to them many times, do not expect them to accept it as a reasonable explanation.
Insist that the children are in no way responsible, and are never to blame when parents separate. Children are very self-centered and often feel that, if they had been nicer at home or better in school, they could have avoided this. Emphasize that you two, as parents, will always be there for them, and that no matter what happens between the two of you, your love for the two of them will last forever. Be prepared to answer very concretely their questions about when they will see their father, where they will go to school, what kind of a house they will have, etc. and of course be receptive to whatever feelings of pain, anger, and worry they express.
A family breakup inevitably brings with it much unhappiness, but you and your husband can attenuate some of this for your children by being honest with them, respectful of one another, and especially by handling the couple problems directly without making them messengers, pawns, or innocent recipients of your resentments and disappointments as partners.
Jill Bourdais is a psychotherapist practicing in Paris both privately and in a hospital setting. A specialist in couple/family problems, she also teaches PAIRS, a skills-building course in intimate relationships. Tel: 01 43 54 79 25. Questions for the Personal column may be mailed to the Voice, 7 rue Papillon, 9e, or emailed to her directly at JABourdais@compuserve.com
