Q: I’ve been dating a man whom I’ve met in Paris. He’s a great guy — intelligent, thoughtful, funny, considerate, kind — everything one could hope for in a partner. He asked me to marry him fairly soon after we got serious, I feel a lot of love and appreciation for him, but I’m not convinced that I’m really “in love” enough to jump in. Do you think that falling in love is a necessary pre-condition to being happy in a marriage?
A: Falling in love is definitely unique among the emotional experiences which are available to human beings. One is first attracted, then bewitched, and finally almost fused with the object of desire. Other friendships, other investments, often recede into insignificance before the imperious quality of the in-love relationship, which can literally take us over, penetrating every facet of our being. We may have the sense of finally meeting someone so in tune with the person we “really” are that we feel he or she completes us. We may feel that somehow, somewhere, we have already known this person, so uncannily familiar does he or she feel. And usually, at some point, we feel that we can’t live without that person, and so we commit to some form of partnership.
In order simply to be with this person, in order to gain his or her love, we usually make compromises which don’t feel like much at the time we make them. How much do you really like sitting through a soccer game on a cold, sodden Sunday? How much does he really like traipsing through department stores during the winter sales while you look for a new coat? But when we’re in love, we do these things more than willingly, because to a large extent, our personal psychic and emotional boundaries have loosened. Whatever niggling doubts may creep into our consciousness are quickly filed away as issues which will resolve themselves over time.
Psychopharmacologists are busy trying to unravel the mysteries of romantic love which, alas, doesn’t generally, as the song says, “last forever.” Hormones, endorphins and neurotransmitters are some of the words bandied about to explain the heightened state of being in love, but the substances involved appear to have a limited shelf life, meaning that as they lose strength, we recover our personal boundaries and start behaving differently. Almost unawares, we begin “taking ourselves back,” so to speak, often bewildering our partners in the process — “You’re not the person I married” is the plaintive cry often uttered by men and women alike. The pained couple must then proceed to refashion their hopes and expectations of the relationship in keeping with the reality of their partners: the illusion stage is over — the power struggle is about to begin and, as we sadly know, the outcome is often negative.
The way you describe your boyfriend is the way someone describing a dearly beloved spouse would talk. As a couple counselor, I wish I heard these words more often! Love, appreciation, respect, consideration and humor seem already present in the relationship. If sexual compatibility, a degree of mutual understanding, and to some extent, a shared vision of the future are also part of the mix, marriage to this man has an excellent prognosis. Try not to torture yourself unduly about not being on&Mac226; “Cloud 9”... What’s a cloud after all, but moisture in disguise which will eventually come down to earth?
Jill Bourdais is a psychotherapist practicing in Paris both privately and in a hospital setting. A specialist in couple/family problems, she also teaches PAIRS, a skills-building course in intimate relationships. Tel: 01 43 54 79 25. Questions for the Personal column may be mailed to the Voice, 7 rue Papillon, 9e, or emailed to her directly at JABourdais@compuserve.com
