Q I’ve been married to a Frenchman for 8 years, and we have two boys, 5 and 3. My husband is an excellent father, but since my youngest son was born, our couple situation has deteriorated badly. Although I’m willing to go to marriage counseling, my husband scoffs at the idea. At this point, I’m contemplating divorce, but have heard from several people that French judges discriminate against American spouses. I’m scared of losing my children or getting ripped off financially. Is there anything I can do to protect myself if I do decide to file?
A In reviewing a fair number of cases similar to yours about which I have personal knowledge, I don’t come up with any evidence to the effect that American spouses systematically get short-changed by the French courts. When this has occurred, it has been in cases of “divorce par faute” in which one spouse accuses the other of wrongdoing and must produce a list of grievances to justify that position. This particular legal procedure is very destructive, so you should be thinking in terms of a “divorce à l’amiable.”
However, even in that case, a French judge will grant fewer financial advantages than you would be likely to receive in the US, and would no doubt insist that your children remain in France, even if you get custody.
Here are a few tips that I suggest:
• Within the relationship, try to keep aggressive and adversarial interactions to a minimum to reduce the risk of vindictive behavior from your husband.
• A competent couple counselor can be really instrumental in helping warring partners out of a toxic situation. Sometimes even one session is enough to convince a resistant person that there is value in the process, so consider trying once more to get your husband to agree to at least that!
• Lawyers are sometimes more adversarial than their clients, so if separation becomes inevitable, consider going first to a mediator whose job it is to bring opposing parties to an agreement, which is fair to both. Though not legally binding, coming to an agreement outside the judicial process should reduce or eliminate the judge’s influence in the final decision. Mediators are less costly than lawyers, and although you will need the latter to represent you in court, his or her billable hours will be fewer.
If none of this works, and you and your husband go to court in adversarial positions, the attitude of your particular judge toward Americans could, of course, be a factor in the final outcome.
Jill Bourdais is a psychotherapist practicing in Paris both privately and in a hospital setting. A specialist in couple/family problems, she organizes workshops dealing with improving relationship skills and building self-esteem. Tel: 01 43 54 79 25. Questions for the Close-Ups column may be mailed to the Paris Voice, 7 rue Papillon, 9e, or emailed to her directly at JABourdais@aol.com
