Q:My parents want us to spend our holidays with them at the family vacation home
in Michigan. My French husband and I have obliged for five years, but now we
have a lively 2-year-old, and yearn to vacation on our own. Ever since I mentioned
this to my mom, she has been e-mailing me several times a week, telling me that
they bought their place for us kids, that I’m robbing my son of contact
with them, of the opportunity to learn English and that it’s easier for
us to travel than for them... My husband says we should stick to our guns and
not go.
A: Your parents appear to have decided how they want
their adult children to fit into their scheme of things with
relatively little regard as to whether the children agree
with their program. Perhaps it’s somewhat sad that,
by and large, parents want to be with their adult children
more than the latter want to be with them. Parents raise
us to be independent and self-sufficient — then rue
the consequences that arise when we spin off and create
our own lives. Yet that is the natural order of things
in our culture.
While your parents’ disappointment over the distance
between you and them is understandable, your mother’s
way of expressing that is to lay a guilt trip on you. That
is neither respectful of you nor of the new family you’ve
created. However, your going to Michigan for five years
probably gave her, with perhaps some justification, the
sense that this would be a permanent routine. Having just
learned that her assumptions are erroneous, she may be
in shock, so to speak. Here is my suggestion to ease the
situation:
Send a carefully thought out handwritten letter to your
parents as a way of setting it apart from the lighter weight
impersonality of e-mail. Start it by giving them positive
strokes about your earlier Michigan summers, being sure
to include appreciative comments about the house and about
life there in ways which you know will have meaning to
them (if not necessarily to you). Tell them also how pleased
you were that they allowed your husband to enjoy their
place (and them) for several years and share in the environment
they created.
Then move into what is new about your situation now that
you have a son — that it makes you want to do exactly
as they did years ago — namely find a vacation home
near to where you live, which you can arrange to meet your
own tastes and the needs of your growing family. Show understanding
for her need to connect with her grandson and spend time
with you, but avoid discussions of your father’s
sleep patterns or your son’s English language skills.
Pulling in extraneous topics such as those is a device
we all use when we are trying to pressure another person
into agreeing with our agenda.
Unless your mother is very demanding, expressing appreciation,
empathy, and reassurance, while standing firm behind your
own intentions should eventually turn the situation around.
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